Whenever I am in a situation where it would be good to remember jokes I really struggle and my mind seems to go blank but here are some of my favourites which I think would be suitable and appropriate to recite to anyone.
It is a really lovely summers evening and so a tortoise decides to go out for a pleasant stroll. As he walks through the park he is mugged and has his wallet stolen by a snail. The police interview the quite rightly upset tortoise and ask him
"So Mr Tortoise can you please describe the appearance of the snail that attacked you"
to which he replies
"No I'm sorry it all just happened so fast"
A man visits the doctor and complains that he has just not been feeling well at all recently. On inspection the doctor notices a banana in the man's ear, a carrot up his nose and a cabbage on his head. The doctor makes his diagnosis and informs his patient "You are not eating properly"
How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb?
1 2 1 2
A visibly upset man visits his doctor and complains that he can not stop himself from singing What's New Pussy Cat, Delilah and The Green Green Grass of Home. His doctor reassuringly tells him that he has a condition called Tom Jones disease.
"Is it common doctor" the man asks
The doctor answers "It's not unusual"
(This next joke is set in Newcastle and you really need to tell it in a North East accent if you can to make it really funny)
A man visits his doctor and tells him
"I feel like pieces of coconut wrapped in chocolate"
The doctor replies "Well, yer bounty"
Finally how do you know it takes 8 menstruating women to change a light bulb?
IT JUST DOES! (You need to shout this very loudly when you tell it)
It really depends on how you tell these jokes as to whether they are met with laughter or not but I hope you found them amusing and that you can use them with your friends or other people, let me know what you think.
Jokes are like marmite - and I hope that reading my top 5, I at least get a chuckle or two. I typically get sent jokes via email or text and, depending on the context, pass them on to my friends. There aren't many jokes that I am able to recite, but No3 is one that I have managed to perfect and get a positive reaction from! Good Times!
Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
Piss on it and walk away.
Short and very much to the point. Having been sent this via email, I promptly forwarded it to my friends as it made me howl!
The next one's a little on the long side and it can either be to your liking, or not.....personally I my sides were practically splitting with laughter after I read this and I hope it has a similar effect on you :-)
This is a story about
A Fly, a Fish, a Bear
A Hunter, a Mouse and a Cat.
There is a moral to this story.....
In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream. The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,
'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.'
There was a fish in the water thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'
There was a bear on the shore thinking,
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly...And I will grab the fish!!'
It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank preparing to eat a cheese sandwich....
'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches....And that fish leaps for it...That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.'
Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more....
A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,
'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish jumps for that fly.. And that bear grabs for that fish.. The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.'
A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)
'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches..And that fish jumps for that fly And that bear grabs for that fish..And that hunter shoots that bear.. And that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich..Then I can have mouse for lunch.'
The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.
The fish swallows the fly...
The bear grabs the fish..
The hunter shoots the bear..
The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...
The cat jumps for the mouse..
The mouse ducks...
The cat falls into the water and drowns.
NOW, The Moral Of The Story....Whenever a fly goes down three inches, Some pussy's gonna be in serious danger.
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim, upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around
2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and, after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6p.m. and upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
Again, a slightly long one, but one that I recall as being one of the few jokes I can actually recite.
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced,
we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take
a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced,
we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take
an arsehole out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have
half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours!
In terms of the state of politics at the moment, I thought it appropriate
to try and lighten the mood.
BEWARE OF THAT UNDERWEAR DUST!!!!!!
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the heck is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
You guys just never learn, do not tick off the woman.
A woman scorned and all that!lol! Thank you for reading & I hope these have put a smile upon your face!
This would have to be a dream job for me. Ever since gettign that book of '1,001 howlers' as a 6 year old and being the life and soul of the breakfast table "Why do birds fly south for winter? Because it's too far to walk", have I had a penchant for the funnies. I can answer 9/10 christmas cracker jokes blindfolded at 10 paces, and a dream ambition since 6 years of age has to have been the writer of such inane drival. I am not sure there are many opening for the cracker gag jobs market. So this is as close as I will get. Note this is not a 5th of January 2010 decision. I have mulled these top 5 jokes over for several weeks. Now it is time to strike.
1) A polar bear walks into a bar. He says to the barman "Excuse me bartender ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... can I have a pint of beer please". To which the barman replies, "Sure. But why the big paws?"
Big pause. Big Paws. Geddit? Read it aloud and hold up your hands at the punchline.
2) An English, Irish, Scotsman and a blonde woman enter a bar. The barman goes "What is this... some kind of joke?"
3) A man walks into a bar, and negotiates a free drink if he shows the bartender something amazing. Feeling bored the barman agrees. The man reaches into his bag and brings out a miniture piano, followed by a miniture man, who proceeds to play an amazing honky tonk riff. "That's amazing!" says the bartender "Where did you get that?"
"The old story of genie in a lamp... he gave me 1 wish" replies the man "Here, you can make a wish if you want"
The genie pops out of the lamp and the barman whispers his wish. Suddenly a duck appears at the end of the bar. And then there is another duck at the other end. Then the whole bar is covered in ducks, and indeed ducks are over every surface in the pub, and more are piling through the door.
"Is your genie deaf? I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" yells the barman.
"Tell me about it - do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?"
4) A man goes into a sandwich bar and reads the menu. Cheese sandwiches £1.50. Ham Sandwiches £2. Tuna sandwiches £3. Full body massage £20. He beckons over the saucy looking waitress and asks, "Are you the one who gives the full body massage?" to which she huskily replies "why yes I am" and gives him a knowing look.
"Well wash your hands! I want a cheese sandwich!"
Wah wah wah wah.
5) The inflatable boy attended the inflatable school. He was a michevious inflatable and after one particular troublesome morning he is sent to the inflatable headmaster for a telling off. Feeling rebellius, the inflatable boy has had enough, and when the inflatable headmaster's back is turned, he reaches down and pulls his stopper out. The inflatable headmaster withers and collapses. The inflatable boy runs out and still full of rage and sick of the place, pulls the stopper out of the inflatabel school, which too deflates and collapses around him. He runs home to his inflatable bedroom, and is suddenly taken by a huge twang of remorse. He has murdered his headmaster and demolished a building! Feeling that depressed he reaches down for his own stopper to end his inflatable life.
Some days later he re awakes. He is in an inflatable bed, in the inflatable hostpital. He has been blown up and revived! In the bed next to him is his inflatable headmaster, who leans over and says "I'm disappointed in you laddy, you let me down, you let your school down, but most of all, you let youself down"
Thankyou you've been a marvellous audience. I'll be here all night. Be sure to tip your waitress.
I am a lover of jokes and especially the Chinese ones like the Confucius meanings, so i will start of with them for you but because they are not jokes as such just meanings i will list a few as part 1
Part #1...Confucius says....
# Man who walk through airport turnstile backwards going to Bangkok
# It take many nails to build a baby crib, but one screw to fill it.
# Man who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with solution in hand
# Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs...this has to be my best one as it is so true but and had me in stitches.
On a daily basis my kids will come home with some joke they have learnt at school from other children so these are just a couple i can remember....these are kids jokes so to speak but as an adult i did find them entertaining
Part #2 ...From the mouths of babes ...
# What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
answer....I want to hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.
# Why do two skunks argue?
Answer.... Because they like to kick up a stink.
I do have lots more of the kids jokes rolling round in my head but may find i will never finish this so on to my next one
This next one is one i got in an e-mail and I'm sure it has navigated its way round the globe but it is a favourite of mine.
part #3 My Mother taught me ....
# My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
# My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
# My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
# My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
# My mother taught me about STAMINA -
You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
# My mother taught me about WEATHER -
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
there are lots more of the "my mother ones to this but I'm not going to add them as you probably already know them.
these ones are just straight forward jokes that i found funny, don't worry if you get the next one i had to read it in my e-mail twice before i got it ....
part 4 # Twins..
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
and last but not least this has to be a classic for me the thought of it is funny and great if you have seen statues its not something you would think they would do if bought to life
part 5 # Revenge....
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll S*** on it's head.
I do like jokes and funny things but remembering them is hard i am fond of this section its great for me ....its like having a filing cabinet of them all. I shall be back here to pick some of the jokes up to tell my friends.
I just hope a few of mine made you giggle, If not smile anyway its a known fact you use more muscles frowning than smiling...Enjoy the other jokes too in this section there are a fair few of them so if mine did not help I'm sure you will find a few in this general discussion board that will add a smile to your face.
I love a good joke! It's usually the short plays on words that make me laugh out loud, but here are 5 jokes that tickle me time and time again;
1. After 20 years of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband has always used a dildo on her... Wife "Explain the dildo you fool!" Hubby retorts "Explain the kids! B*tch!"
2. Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and
the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed
Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove,
I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked
in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the
table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off,
you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married"
3. A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.
Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knocking' mate, there's no paper in this one either."
4. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
5. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
Hope you enjoyed these as much as I did!
If nothing else, I hope this makes you smile a little
1) The first is a three parter, please read out loud.....
What do you call a deer with no eyes
- no Eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs
- still no eyed deer
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and on fire
- still no flaming eyed deer
2) A traditional husband and wife joke.....
A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"
3) My top five would not be complete without an 'Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman' joke.....
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman sat in a bar, Englishman says my kid was born on st. Georges day so I name him George, Scotsman says my kid was born on st. Andrews day so I name him Andrew, Irishman says how bizarre wait till I go home and tell pancake!!!!!
4) This makes it into my top five as its my favourite one to tell to kids.....
what do elephants play in a taxi..
5) A bit of a rude one to finish...
What kind of bees make milk?
If you laugh out loud, leave a comment. x
In no particular order:
1) A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers," she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.
2)Heather invited her mother over for dinner. During the meal, her mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Heather's roommate was.
She had long been suspicious of Heather's sexuality and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two women interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Heather and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading her mom's thoughts, Heather volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Suzy and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Suzy came to Heather and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Heather said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So she sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Heather received a letter from her mother which read:
"Dear Daughter, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Suzy, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Suzy. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love - Mum"
3) (Got this one from a friend, had me in stitches!)
Three mice in a Glasgow pub having a mouse to mouse talk, Who's the toughest?
Aberdeen mouse say's he is: "I go up to the mousetraps,rip out the cheese and as the bar comes down I benchpress it 30 times and throw it across the room."
Edinburgh mouse say's "You poof, I get rat poison, crush it into powder & snort it."
At that point, Glasgow mouse finishes his pint and walks to the door, the other two ask "Where are you going?"
"Hame to shag the cat."
4)A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
5)An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is." he replied, "Breakfast."
So here's my top five funniest jokes, enjoy!
5. A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
4.The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
3. Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
2. Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
1. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Lol. Hope They Gave You A Laugh! x
Here are my favourite 100 Ways To Be Annoying. Enjoy:
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inchpaper, 99 copies.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 192 and 118 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy asassination/ UFO/O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Drive half a block.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
and one more...
Read this entire list to someone.
So, anyone up for having a go at them all? I offer a virtual Dooyoo cookie to anyone that can manage to do them all on a bus without getting kicked off / slapped by the person next to them...
Here are five of my all time favourite jokes. If you are easily offended some of these jokes are a bit rude. I love to hear a good joke, but I love telling them even more. I just love to make people laugh. So I really hope atleast one of these jokes will make you chuckle....here we go,.
A man goes into the doctor surgery and punches the doctor straight in the face. The doctor says "what did you do that for" the man said "because you said my wife had a nice lala" doctor says "actually I told your wife she had acute angina!!"
Paddy goes up to a girl in a disco and asks her if she wants to have a bit of hows your father, she replies "Im on my menstrual cycle" he says "im on my scooter ill follow you"
English teacher is explaining the meaning of different words to children she then says to the class "i want you to think of a sentence in which you could use the word fascinate".Little jimmy puts up his hand" miss my dad got a new coat with nine buttons but he is so fat he can only fasten eight."
man goes into the doctors and says "doctor im so depressed my wife keeps treating me like a dog." Doctor says "can you get off the couch please."
Once there was a mammy balloon a daddy balloon and a baby balloon and baby balloon would not sleep in his own bed. One night mammy and daddy were sleeping in their bed when baby balloon came in. there was no room for him to squeeze in between them so he let a little bit of air out of mammy balloon and a little bear out of daddy balloon and then a little bit of air out of his balloon and then snuggled in between them. The following day daddy balloon is really cross to find baby in their bed and says" you have not only let yourself down but you let me and your mother down too|"
hope you enjoyed these jokes!!!
Everyone enjoys a laugh and a giggle so here are some short and sweet jokes to make you chuckle! Please note that note all are politically correct!
1. A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment".
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect".
2. Q: What do you call an intellegent, sensitive, and good looking man?
A: A rumour
3. Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: It may take a while for me to get hard, I just got laid yesterday.
4. Q: Did you hear about the dairy worker who accidentally got knocked into a vat of dairy produce?
A: He got sacked for getting in the whey.
5. Q:Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
A:To keep their nuts dry!
I will let you be the reviewers of these jokes!
Thanks for reading!
Well most of my jokes wouldn't last on here very long, with all the Politically Correct Brigade. So here are a few safe ones that might make you have a giggle:-) Sadly all those other texts and emails will have to wait for another forum!!
Here's a video clip to start with
then 5 jokes
A man robs a bank and takes hostages.
He asks the first hostage, 'Did you see me rob this bank'.
The hostage answers 'Yes'.
The robber promptly shoots him in the head.
Then he asks the second hostage if he saw him rob the bank.
The hostage answers, 'No, but my wife did'.
Doctor, doctor, I keep losing my memory.
When did you first notice it?
When did I first notice what?
One day, a blond was sitting in her kitchen trying to work on a puzzle that she found. It just was not working for her. Her husband comes home and says "what are you doing, love?" "I'm trying to work on this darn puzzle but it's not working! It is supposed to be of a tiger but none of the pieces fit together!" came the reply. Her husband sighed, "dear, why don't you put the frosted flakes away and take a nap, you've been working too hard lately".
A traffic police officer stops a woman and asks to see her driving licence.
'Love, it says here that you should be wearing glasses when driving.'
'Well,' replies the woman, 'I have contacts.'
'Sweetheart, I don't care who you know, your still going to get a ticket.'
A young blonde woman went into a bank to withdraw some money.
For security purposes the cashier asked her if she could identify herself.
She opened her handbag and took out a small mirror, looked into it and said, "Yes, it's me all right."
After reading 'Top 5 Jokes' on the Dooyoo website I decided to post my own little collection of jokes. Hope you found them funny as well.
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
She says, 'I was in bed.'
'In bed this early, doing what?'
'Getting a second opinion!'
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'
His new bride said: 'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00AM. Wake up.'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, 'shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
After reading several Dooyooers Jokes and making me brave a smile, I have put together a collection of the top five jokes which I consider to be funny.
*************** 5 **********************
A blonde was in shortage of some money, so she was volunteering to hire herself out as the handyman/DIY types.
After scouring a Wealthy,popular neighbourhood the blood knocks on the first door and asks if she can clean they're porch,
"sure thing, how much will you charge me" says the man
"50 Dollars" says the blonde, and the man agrees on the deal.
"Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" says the wealthy man's wife" "she should know, she was standing on it"
A few minutes later the Blonde comes back,"your finished already?" Says the wealthy man looking very impressed and reaching into his wallet for 50 Dollars "Yes and by the way that's not a porch, Its a ferrari"
*********************** 4 ********************
A Pilot was heartbent on a new stewardess, before the night was away he was showing her all the best places to shop eat etc.
The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
************************** 3 ******************************
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
**************************** 2 ***************************
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you
****************************** 1 ************************
The FBI were hosting trials to recruit new members, and 3 had passed all tests but one.
The test was simple, you must go in and shoot your husband, and after shooting they're husband they would be in the FBI,
The first man went in before coming out disappointed saying he could not do it, followed by the second man who also went in and came out saying he could not attempt it.
Then the only woman went into the room and you can several click before you hear screaming and scraping against the walls, then the woman comes out with her partner's head saying, "you could have told me the gun was full of blanks, I had to kill him with the chair leg"!
Thanks for Reading
Had some help from coolfunnyjokes.com with regards to 3 jokes.
I saw this in the discussion topics and I couldn't resist, so in no particular order I give you my top 5 jokes (that I can repeat here)
What's the last thing that goes through a fly's mind when it hits a windscreen?
What's E.T short for?
Because he's only got little legs.
What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your underpants?
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide, the librarian replies "no, you won't bring it back."
What's green and hangs from trees?
Ta-Da, now you've all seen how juvenile I really am. A few didn't make the list because they were either too long, to childish or too groan worthy. I'll admit that I only like really terrible jokes but then they're usually the ones that stand the test of time. Thanks for reading.